I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
