____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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