Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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