Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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