Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
