You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
