Well apparently he's into motor boating.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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