On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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