the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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