I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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