dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
