Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
