I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
