my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
