he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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