I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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