how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
