I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
