I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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