12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
