can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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