in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
