I wish I could teleport
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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