Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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