I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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