According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
