Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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