she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
