One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
