You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
