She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
