some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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