I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
