I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
