guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
