My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
