Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
