I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
