did you get engaged???
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
