you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
