I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
