I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
