Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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