last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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