My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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