i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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