maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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