do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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