apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
