I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
