I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
