Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
