So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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