I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
