so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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