What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
