Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
