I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
