When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
