Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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