the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
