i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
