he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
